I'm tired of being romantically alone. I once entered that web place where everything seemed to revolve around aesthetics. I planned surgeries, talked online with other people who told me not to do them, that they wouldn't solve anything, and to go to the gym, find other hobbies, go out more (obviously without knowing me), maybe get my teeth fixed. But okay. In the last years, I've focused on this, I even started therapy. But after 10 years, I'm still here. Invisible, dumped, ignored; watching the same handsome guy impress other women. Even worse if they're the ones you're interested in, or your friends, or even someone you once cared about.
Today, it was a flash. I was reading Meditations by Marcus Aurelius and I realized: why am I reading this book? Nothing wrong with it, but why did I take up philosophy now?
I'm simply looking for a "magic formula" that will make me feel appreciated by women. That will make me find the girl who's happy with me and therefore I'll feel calm and free. I came to Marcus Aurelius because I first read a lot of self-help books, including No Mr. Nice Guy or Love Don't Leave Me. I was also thinking about The Charisma Myth. These books aren't even available in my language; I read them in English hoping to find the answer, but again: here we are.
I can't take it anymore; it has nothing to do with the context or anything else. In 8 different contexts, attention will always go to the most attractive people in those contexts. The other night, at a graduation party, the girls friends of the party guest (all 25) were more interested in the handsome 19-year-old than in me. I feel manipulated into believing I shouldn't focus too much on looks, but then if I focus on something else, the result is always the same and I feel like I wasted time. But I'm also afraid of actually making a mistake and hearing "Well done, you idiot, we warned you." I'm also fed up with hearing bullshit about destiny, the someone are not meant to that, or karma... what bs.
I'm sick of hearing my girl friends cry over a tall Venezuelan guy with unresolved issues who makes them feel bad, but who calls them to fuck them and they blows everyone off and goes to their place, only to whine the next day. I could have done that with the last girl I was dating, but I'd feel like a hypocrite and a piece of shit for doing that to her. It's not even a matter of being an asshole or a good guy. A friend of mine is hooking up and he's incredibly kind and nice, and he's also a really good-looking guy.
I'm sick of hearing people tell me to try harder, and if I try harder, hearing them tell me I'm thirsty. Or that I find defective the girls that are into me (girls who are like 11 years younger than me).
What the hell.. I swear, if there was a solution, even just an attitude, I'd bring out all the actor in me to embrace that.
